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Patrick Crawley: Sports Interpreter
Have you noticed that you can't understand anything that athletes say these days? Well, that's because they're trying to trick you by speaking in code. Kind of like the Wu-Tang Clan. Fortunately for you, I'm a linguist; a linguist who just happens to speak "athlete". Today's translation comes to you free of charge.
November 23, 2008 - Donovan McNabb
Donovan McNabb (QB, Philadelphia Eagles): "My first (reaction) was, 'Wow.' But you go along with it. I am upset about us losing the game, and I'm upset that I wasn't able to contribute. But I am going to focus on trying to help this team get better by eliminating mistakes and turnovers."
Translation: "I can't believe Andy Reid stabbed me in the back like that. Andy, don't you realize this is a playoff year for us? Do you really think Kevin Kolb is going to lead this team further than I can? This is a sinking ship. But I'll do my best to stay above it and say the right things in the media."
November 22, 2008 - Scott Brooks
Scott Brooks (Interim Coach, Oklahoma City Thunder): "Things [in Oklahoma City] aren't good. It's a challenge to get our guys motivated to play every night. ... Our team needs direction. I have clear plans to make this team play with much more energy and passion."
Translation: "We've all been biding our time for P.J. Carlesimo to be fired. He was horrible at motivating the players, most of all Kevin Durant. Maybe if he had put Durant in a position to be successful he would still be working here. Oh well. Works out pretty good for me."
November 22, 2008 - Alan Nero
Alan Nero (C.C. Sabathia's agent): "His preference is to be on the West Coast and in the National League, and I think there's a team like that in LA. The fact California's so close (to his Arizona home), it would make a lot of sense. I hope we're going to hear from them."
Translation: "I'm trying to drive up the price for C.C. with the New York Yankees. Hey Steinbrenner, throw $130 million on the table already."
November 21, 2008 - Donnie Walsh
Donnie Walsh (General Manager, New York Knicks): “I think the players we’re bringing in will be able to play Mike [D'Antoni] ’s style, and they’re all good players. It will give us cap flexibility down the road. So that opens up our future a little bit for us.”
Translation: "I just traded the two highest-scoring players on the Knicks roster for cap space in 2010. Yet I'm going to sit here and tell you that we also intend to 'win now'. I should have been on 'Spin City' with Michael J. Fox. There's no way we're going to win this season with Cuttino Mobley and Tim Thomas. My eyes are on LeBron James in 2010. Nothing more. Nothing less."
November 19, 2008 - Phil Savage
Phil Savage (General Manager, Cleveland Browns): "Go root for Buffalo - f#@* you."
[Written in an e-mail response to a fan who criticized Savage's decisions as GM.]
Translation: None needed. That's about as brutal as it gets.
November 17, 2008 - Brian Sabean
Brian Sabean (General Manager, San Francisco Giants): "[Jeremy Affeldt] is characteristic of a guy coming into his own. He's still got youth on his side, size and strength, and durability is an attraction. We haven't had that option. We don't want to turn this over to just kids. His addition will certainly be welcomed."
Translation: "Ok, here's the deal. Last season I discounted our bullpen, figuring we could just throw a bunch of new guys in there and be fine. That decision nearly cost Tim Lincecum a Cy Young, which would have made me look like a friggin idiot. So this offseason I'm going to invest some money in middle relief. Ya dig?"
September 7, 2008 - Randy Moss
Randy Moss (WR, New England Patriots): “I don’t really want to get into it, but me personally, I think [the tackle on Tom Brady] was dirty... I’ve never been a dirty player. I honestly don’t even know how to play dirty. I just play the game. Any time you see something like that, that looks foul, it looks dirty, it opens your eyes. So, me personally, it looked dirty.”
Translation: "I'm frustrated that my star quarterback is out. The rest is just verbal diarrhea."
August 28, 2008 - Adam "Pacman" Jones
Adam "Pacman" Jones (DB, Dallas Cowboys): "I have to conduct myself like an NFL player to make sure none of these actions come again. I work hard every day to make sure I don't make the same mistakes."
Translation: "Thank you, Mr. Goodell, for putting these words in my mouth. They sound good. Even though I don't quite know what they mean."
August 27, 2008 - Joe Girardi
Joe Girardi (Manager, New York Yankees): “It’s not where you want to be, but no hole is too deep to climb out of. You have to prepare, you have to execute and you can only look at tomorrow’s game.”
Translation: "I'm turning into Major League Baseball's version of Isiah Thomas. An over-his-head coach who can't face the truth and keeps trying to blow sunshine in the New York media. My team just isn't cutting it. But I keep trying to sugar-coat things. My head is officially on the chopping block right now."
August 22, 2008 - Carlos Boozer
Carlos Boozer (PF, Utah Jazz & Team U.S.A.): "[Kobe and I are] good friends, so none of what he does surprises me."
Translation: "Kobe pays me to be his friend and spread good words about him in the media so he can rebuild the lost empire of endorsements he once had."
Sports Interpreter Vault
August 2008
July 2008
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