All-Steroid Team

The All-Steroids Team below is made up of players named on Thursday in George Mitchell's report on steroids. The reason why there are so many subs on this team should be obvious: steroid abusers are known to get injured and wear down in the long-run. Although Brian Roberts and Gary Sheffield were named in the investigation's report, these players' names were not backed up by any evidence and so they do not appear on the All-Steroids Team. Please enjoy our list and analyses of our All-Steroids Team. Would your team look different?

[Editor's note: Team positions were determined by Paul Topchyan while commentary is provided by Joshua Fischman].

Starters

Catcher: Benito Santiago - His longeivity in the game (no doubt thanks to steroid use) gives him the edge over subs Paul Lo Duca and Todd Hundley.

1st Baseman: Mark McGwire - Steroid abuse has turned the former HR King red and fat. It pains me to see a former USC Trojan struggling so much. It looks like drug use was certainly not worth the physical, social and psychological price he is paying now.

2nd Baseman: Chuck Knoblauch - Even with all the throwing errors he will make for this team, we need his bat in the lineup. Of course, I'm not talking about his post-2000 bat...we're taking Knobby in his prime.

3rd Baseman: Matt Williams - The former Giants and D-Backs star gets the starting nod over MVP Ken Caminitit (who admitted to steroid use and has since passed away) and power-hitter Troy Glaus.

Shortstop: Miguel Tejeda - The Orioles strategically dumped the former MVP right before the report surfaced to escape a Rafeal Palmeiro-like situation.

Outfielder: Barry Bonds - The greatest hitter ever? America's favorite villain? One things is for sure, Barry's presence in the Mitchell Report is no surprise at all.

Outfielder: Jose Canseco - The Godfather of Steroids was kicked out of Mitchell's press conference, but his 15 minutes of fame continue to stretch out. I predict we will still be talking about Big Jose in the year 2100.

Outfielder: David Justice - Owner of two World Series rings, Justice has worked for ESPN as a color commentator and currently works for the YES network. David, have you used steroids? "YES!" I sincerely hope that Justice did not need another kind of performance enhancer when he was married to hot actress Halle Berry.

Bench

C - Paul Lo Duca, Todd Hundley. 1B - Rafael Palmeiro, Mo Vaughn, Jason Giambi. 2B - Fernando Vina, Mike Lansing. 3B - Troy Glaus, Ken Caminiti, David Bell. SS - Randy Velarde. OF - Jose Guillen, Lenny Dykstra, Rondell White, Gary Matthews Jr., Glenallen Hill, Jay Gibbons.

Starting Pitchers

1. Roger Clemens - I have been saying Clemens has been juicing for years (and so has Jose Canseco). However, Clemens is still arguably the best pitcher in MLB history.

2. Andy Pettitte - Best friends Pettitte and Clemens probably shoot each other up and share smirks when they are together.

3. Kevin Brown - Finally there is a clinical reason for Brown's awful rage.

4. Denny Neagle - I thought this guy was a class act who got screwed by injuries. I was wrong.

5. Paul Byrd - The strange-looking, herky-jerky hurler claims that he has been prescribed HGH for his tumor.

6. Ismael Valdes - This team needs a sixth starter to fill in for Brown when he gets injured for punching a dugout wall or for an injured Neagle. Come to think of it, this team needs many more than six starting pitchers...

Relief Pitchers

Middle relievers - Matt Herges, Kent Mercker, Brendan Donnelly. At their best, these arms are great. At their worst (probably in old age) these men will have saggy and disgusting arms.

Set-up men - Ron Villone, Mike Stanton. These lefties, especially Stanton, have been very solid relievers during their careers.

Closer

Eric Gagne - I have informed our sound guy not to play "Welcome to the Jungle" anymore. My former favorite player no longer deserves the Guns N' Roses hit.

Back-up Closer

John Rocker - When Gagne goes down (and you know he will) you're looking at the club's new closer. Get ready to hear the racial slurs and homophobic epithets fly!

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Davis Sports Deli's All-Steroids Team By: Joshua Fischman & Paul Topchyan The All-Steroids Team below is made up of players named on Thursday in George Mitchell's report on steroids. The reason why there are so many subs on this team should be obvious: steroid abusers are known to get injured and wear down in the long-run. Although Brian Roberts and Gary Sheffield were named in the investigation's report, these players' names were not backed up by any evidence and so they do not appear on the All-Steroids Team. Please enjoy our list and analyses of our All-Steroids Team. Would your team look different? [Editor's note: Team positions were determined by Paul Topchyan while commentary is provided by Joshua Fischman]. Starters Catcher: Benito Santiago - His longeivity in the game (no doubt thanks to steroid use) gives him the edge over subs Paul Lo Duca and Todd Hundley. 1st Baseman: Mark McGwire - Steroid abuse has turned the former HR King red and fat. It pains me to see a former USC Trojan struggling so much. It looks like drug use was certainly not worth the physical, social and psychological price he is paying now. 2nd Baseman: Chuck Knoblauch - Even with all the throwing errors he will make for this team, we need his bat in the lineup. Of course, I'm not talking about his post-2000 bat...we're taking Knobby in his prime. 3rd Baseman: Matt Williams - The former Giants and D-Backs star gets the starting nod over MVP Ken Caminitit (who admitted to steroid use and has since passed away) and power-hitter Troy Glaus. Shortstop: Miguel Tejeda - The Orioles strategically dumped the former MVP right before the report surfaced to escape a Rafeal Palmeiro-like situation. Outfielder: Barry Bonds - The greatest hitter ever? America's favorite villain? One things is for sure, Barry's presence in the Mitchell Report is no surprise at all. Outfielder: Jose Canseco - The Godfather of Steroids was kicked out of Mitchell's press conference, but his 15 minutes of fame continue to stretch out. I predict we will still be talking about Big Jose in the year 2100. Outfielder: David Justice - Owner of two World Series rings, Justice has worked for ESPN as a color commentator and currently works for the YES network. David, have you used steroids? "YES!" I sincerely hope that Justice did not need another kind of performance enhancer when he was married to hot actress Halle Berry. Bench C - Paul Lo Duca, Todd Hundley. 1B - Rafael Palmeiro, Mo Vaughn, Jason Giambi. 2B - Fernando Vina, Mike Lansing. 3B - Troy Glaus, Ken Caminiti, David Bell. SS - Randy Velarde. OF - Jose Guillen, Lenny Dykstra, Rondell White, Gary Matthews Jr., Glenallen Hill, Jay Gibbons. Starting Pitchers 1. Roger Clemens - I have been saying Clemens has been juicing for years (and so has Jose Canseco). However, Clemens is still arguably the best pitcher in MLB history. 2. Andy Pettitte - Best friends Pettitte and Clemens probably shoot each other up and share smirks when they are together. 3. Kevin Brown - Finally there is a clinical reason for Brown's awful rage. 4. Denny Neagle - I thought this guy was a class act who got screwed by injuries. I was wrong. 5. Paul Byrd - The strange-looking, herky-jerky hurler claims that he has been prescribed HGH for his tumor. 6. Ismael Valdes - This team needs a sixth starter to fill in for Brown when he gets injured for punching a dugout wall or for an injured Neagle. Come to think of it, this team needs many more than six starting pitchers... Relief Pitchers Middle relievers - Matt Herges, Kent Mercker, Brendan Donnelly. At their best, these arms are great. At their worst (probably in old age) these men will have saggy and disgusting arms. Set-up men - Ron Villone, Mike Stanton. These lefties, especially Stanton, have been very solid relievers during their careers. Closer Eric Gagne - I have informed our sound guy not to play "Welcome to the Jungle" anymore. My former favorite player no longer deserves the Guns N' Roses hit. Back-up Closer John Rocker - When Gagne goes down (and you know he will) you're looking at the club's new closer. Get ready to hear the racial slurs and homophobic epithets fly!